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I am so frustrated. I have a bad cold, and I know it's not a herx or anything like that. But the level of exhaustion makes me incapacitated. I get vertigo, bump into walls, slur my words (although I can't tell that I am). I know good days, because they were just a few days ago, rather than the MONTHS ago I used to feel. So while I could hardly keep my eyes open or even move today. I slur my words even though I can't tell it.
I am so frustrated. I have a bad cold, and I know it's not a herx or anything like that. But the level of exhaustion makes me incapacitated. I get vertigo, bump into walls, slur my words (although I can't tell that I am). I know good days, because they were just a few days ago, rather than the MONTHS ago I used to feel. So while I could hardly keep my eyes open or even move today. I slur my words even though I can't tell it.
The good thing is, the typical Lyme pain in my legs and such aren't there -- just a nasty stuffed nose and the new joy of vertigo and oopsy daisy lets all fall down, probably due to the 11 vials of blood I just gave. I have been so exhausted the past two days that driving was not an option. Apparently, neither was getting out of the bed. I felt guilty asking Zack to feed the cat and answer the phone, but he's always a loving and super helper. Looking at it that way, it's not bad news.
But it's still frustrating. Now that I've been getting better, I'm more aware of what needs to be done, what hasn't been done that I should have been doing for years. Things like dusting and repainting baseboards, a weekly Clorox wiping of the inside of the fridge, cleaning all the door knobs from germs, and that's just off the top of the my head. I want to start cooking again, selling again, working out again, and CLEARING THE DAMNED TABLE.
It's pathetic. I have the kitchen table covered. I have my work table covered. Rick has been using my office, which now that I have a laptop, I don't miss, but it has a billion antique tchotchkes in it and each has to be carefully dusted.
Not to mention wanting desperately to start lampworking again. Some days my hands are normal, but many days the tremor is horrible. I guess I could see what sort of interesting organic shapes I could make from that! Zack has expressed interest in making beads, both polymer (which I know nothing about) and lampwork (which I'll have to get didymium glasses for him).
I guess you can see why I'm so anxious to spend my good days with as much time as I possibly can. It's been so LONG, and I know so many people who have had it longer, and I think of them all the time. In speaking to some, there are a lot of people who feel the same way I do. Once you start feeling better, even if only for a few day, it's even worse when you have to go back to bed and seeth a bit before realizing, hoping, that the next series of Good Days lasts a bit longer, and the Bed Days allow us to think ahead. Maybe we can't do everything. I don't know many healthy people who can!
So I'm going to make the best of things and try very hard to quit being a pain to live with when things go south.
Just looking at these pictures give me a jolt of hope. I'd encourage anyone in the same position to do the same -- look through your photos, look through your journals, pick up your lists, and instead of getting frustrated that you can't do them all now, relish the thought of attacking one or two when you're feeling better. Even the healthiest person has to slow down some times, so please don't compare yourself to them. You CAN do this.
Just take one step at a time.
