Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Make it go away.

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I hate the number of drugs and supplements I'm taking, never the same thing two days in a row, but following a pattern that is supposed to make sense.

I tell my husband I want to stop, that I'm not sure anymore which is worse, the disease or the cure.

He says we're just beginning the hard stuff, that we need to trust the protocol. I picked the doctor, after all, because of his belief that chronic Lyme disease does exist, that it could have lain dormant for who knows how long, and who knows what made it wake up, but it's up, and it's angry, and it's hungry.

I still want to stop. I'm so tired. Mentally drained. Physically unrecognizable.

Very, very tired. And humiliated because instead of losing weight like you would imagine in a person who has no appetite, I'm heavier than I've ever been in my life. Bloated and pale. Medication side effects, they say when twenty pounds arrive. Overloaded liver and kidneys.


I know I'm improving. I am, and for that I'm grateful. I was able to take a shower and wash my hair, help my son with Latin homework, throw a load of towels in the wash. But the rest of today? Lying in bed with ice on my head and a heating pad on my feet.

I still want to stop. I'm ashamed of that. I'm ashamed for whining when I have friends who are fighting much worse things in their lives, not to mention the millions of people around the world who are struggling mightily.

I can't stop.


  1. There may be friends with different or even worse conditions and situations, but this isn't a competition. Because someone else has a different struggle, that doesn't mean yours doesn't exist. Soldiering on when you are feeling as low as this means you are BRAVE and STRONG and COURAGEOUS, even if those are the last things that you feel. You are. Imagine if you were your own friend - what compassion would you show yourself then? I saw a great quote the other day - you deserve the love you keep trying to give everyone else. Hold onto that because it's so true. X X X

  2. You are fighting the good fight.
    Be gentle with yourself, it is only natural to want to stop when you see these side effects.
    Stopping or not is one power you do have.
    I know we rarely feel like it's an option, but I have taken solace occasionally just knowing it is something I get to decide. So much about living with chronic illness I have no control over at all.

    Extra self care during this time....that's my Rx to you.
    And, give yourself a break, you are only human.

  3. I completely understand where you're coming from. After 12+ years of different doctors, medications, protocols, treatments, etc HOPING one will work and finding out nothing really ever takes it away completely, I'm so tired and just want to stop everything, too. I thank the Universe that I'm not nearly as bad as I could be; not nearly as bad as other people who live off medications, supplements, herbs, tinctures...It's still hard switching things up, no rhyme nor reason. But there's something in us that just CAN'T stop. Not because we don't want to because we really do, but because we just...can't.


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